Ich Will Dich Nicht Lieben
by Star of Heaven
Summary: Prequel to Ich Werde Dir Immer Verzeihen. How Schuldig fell in love with Sakura, and what he thought of those feelings of affection. [Schuldig x Sakura]


_Ich Will Dich Nicht Lieben_  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiß Kreuz (and I'm sure you knew that). This is a one-shot prequel to "Ich Werde Dir Immer Verzeihen," but exactly how long it takes place before isn't really important. The entire thing is from Schuldig's point-of-view.

* * *

_"You know, if you braid your hair, you would look more like her. You might even be able to fool the Essett elders."  
  
"Wait, are you saying I should take her place in the ritual?"  
  
"Why not? You know you want to."  
  
"But isn't there a chance that I might be killed?"  
  
"Yes, but is that really important? All you want is to protect her. Think about it. If you put yourself in danger for her sake, Aya may forgive you for turning a gun on him."  
  
"I'll do it. I'll take Aya-chan's place. I don't care if Aya-san never forgives me. I just want to see him happy with his sister."  
  
"That's a good girl. Now, let's go get you ready."_  
  
Why did I always think about that? I didn't understand it. I was thinking about Sakura much more often now. Every time I was alone and bored, my mind would slowly wander to her. I would wake up in the middle of the night with her on my thoughts.  
  
I rolled over onto my side. I was lying in bed, completely awake. I had tried to fall asleep, but that was near impossible when I couldn't stop thinking about Sakura. I clenched my bed sheets tighter and roughly pulled them over my head. I wanted to shut Sakura out of my mind, but the harder I tried, the more I would think about her.  
  
I sat up and ran my fingers through my messy hair. I had thoroughly enjoyed manipulating Sakura, and playing with her sweet thoughts had definitely been pleasant. So maybe it was only natural that I would think about her often. But I didn't feel sadistic or cruel when she was on my mind. I couldn't tell how I felt. It was completely unfamiliar to me.  
  
A heavy sigh escaped from me and I reached over to my night table. I pulled out the drawer and rumbled through it until I found what I was looking for. I took out the object and studied it carefully.  
  
It was a photograph of Sakura. I couldn't remember where I had gotten it; I didn't even know why I had it. I just knew that I had a picture of her.  
  
I ran my index finger down the middle of the photograph. Sakura was pretty cute, but I didn't think she was drop-dead gorgeous, nor did I find her to be very sexy. She was immature and young; definitely not someone I wanted to invite into bed with me.  
  
Still, I found myself attracted toward her. In her own way, she was rather beautiful. Her eyes were so naïve and innocent, and they hinted at the sweetest of thoughts.  
  
"God, what's wrong with me?" I asked aloud as I laid my head back. I felt this unusual pain in my chest that I didn't understand. Was it emptiness in my heart? Could I have been…?  
  
"No, I'm not!" I refused quietly, shaking my head vigorously. I put the photograph of Sakura back in the drawer and stood up. A short walk would clear my mind. I was clad only in a pair of sweatpants, but none of the other members of Schwarz cared about how I dressed. (Except for Crawford, but he wasn't fussy about what I wore at night.)  
  
I left my bedroom and headed over to the bathroom. I flipped on the lights as I entered. I then turned on the faucet and cupped my hands under the cold running water. I splashed the collected water on my face and threw my head back.  
  
I stared at my reflection in the mirror above the sink, but I didn't see a sadistic telepath. Instead, I saw someone who couldn't understand his own feelings. I never knew if my thoughts were really my own, even when I was alone. For all I knew, what I believed to be my thoughts could have just been foreign thoughts that had continued to linger in my mind.  
  
I began to wonder about Nagi. I rarely allowed his thoughts to stay in my mind for too long; they were much too boring for me. His silly infatuation with Tot had been enough to make me gag. But now, I wished that I had paid more attention to those thoughts. Maybe then I would be able to understand how I felt.  
  
Another sigh slipped from my mouth. No matter how hard I tried to deny it, these unfamiliar feelings were my own. Maybe they were the first true feelings that were really mine.  
  
I could feel Sakura's body against mine, her hands on my bare shoulders, and my arms around her back. I wanted to hold her, and to taste her sweet thoughts. Could it really have been…?  
  
"Am I in love with Sakura?" I asked myself in a soft voice. I shook my head forcefully. "No, I don't want to love her!" I tried to suppress those feelings. She and I were too different. She would be a liability to me and the rest of Schwarz. And yet…  
  
I leaned over the sink and touched my face. I really did love Sakura, and I couldn't deny that any longer. I wasn't sure of how long I had been in love with her, and I couldn't imagine why I would be. Still, what mattered was that I loved Sakura, and that love was causing the pain in my heart.  
  
I smirked cruelly as I thought about how "pleasant" this could be. Getting Sakura to return my love would be the fun part. I could control those sweet thoughts, and make her all mine. She would belong to me, and I would belong to her.  
  
My laughter became louder and crueler. I might have awoken Crawford or Nagi; I really didn't care. I tossed my head back and continued laughing. "Sakura, _meine kleine Geliebte_," I whispered in a heated tone. "I long only for you, and soon you will want me just as much."  
  
I never wanted to fall in love. I didn't want to love Sakura. But I couldn't deny it anymore; I was truly in love with Sakura. It was a sick was twisted sort of love, but it was love nonetheless.  
  
I wanted Sakura. I would make her mine. She would belong only to me.

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Translation Notes:  
_Ich will dich nicht lieben:_ I don't want to love you  
_Meine kleine Geliebte:_ My little lover 


End file.
